mrs-roboto's Diaryland Diary
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In Case You Were Wondering, We Have No Plans To Breed
Dear Friends and Family,
That time of year is fast approaching again. The leaves are turning pretty shades of brown and red. The air is growing crisp and before we know it the holidays will be upon us. I'm already seeing the coupons for the Sears Portrait Studio pack and I know you are too. I just wanted to say a few words in reference to the package you plan to chose this year.
I am sure you believe with all of your heart that your kid is the cutest child to ever walk the earth and perhaps you are right. Who am I to say? I have also heard quite a few of you discussing the incredibly high intellect your child possesses. Many of your children seem to be skilled enough to perform such magnificent feats as dressing themselves and writing their names with a crayon. Truly amazing, I know. Several of your children will undoubtedly be stars, what with their ability to sing or dance or pick their nose. I am happy for you and I am overjoyed for them. I wish you another year of domestic bliss but I need to inform you of one or two little things on behalf of all the childless couples and singles around the world.
We like your children, we truly do but we don't need a 16" x 20" wall portrait of them posed in front of some artificial background. We're not even sure what to do with that. I mean you have been to our home, right? You know that we don't have a mantle with a spotlight to showcase such a picture and the one from last year is still sitting in a drawer in the kitchen with the extra catsup and sugar packets I pilfer from the 7-11. Two wallet size photos will more than suffice for us. Save the larger pics for the grandparents and other people who have children, okay? I know you were all enthusiastic and got the $79.99 Family Portrait Collections and now have more pics than you know what to do with but please resist the temptation to send us multiple pics of the same pose in a variety of sizes. We feel bad throwing them out.
Another thing I'd like to mention is that children under 18 months of age hate sitting on Santa Claus' Lap at the mall . It's just plain frightening. This guy is huge with a big fake white beard and ridiculous red outfit. He looks like nothing your child has ever seen before. He is a freak show and there is no need for your child to be subjected to him before he or she actually can comprehend what's going on. Please save us all the pain of having to display a picture of your petrified baby, screaming and crying, in our home. It's not "cute" in any way, shape, or form.
How come you never send us natural pictures like this one?
What we'd really like is pictures of your child doing something natural, something that makes them happy. A shot of them at the playground smiling and enjoying themselves would be nice. Black and white photos are always tasteful (see the one above). Perhaps a candid shot of them displaying one of those talents you've been talking so much about. We'd like that, we really would. We'd like to see your child as a three dimensional personality and not some mannequin posed in front of a rainbow background with their super imposed profile floating in the upper right hand corner.
In exchange for your thoughtfulness, we promise to listen to you talk about your child's bowel movements without flinching. We promise to attend your kids first piano recital. We promise to baby-sit for them when you need a night out on the town. We'll take them to see Sponge Bob Square Pants on Ice. We'll even give them the birds and the bees talk when the time comes if you like. We promise you anything, just no more Sears Studio Portraits, okay?
Thank you for understanding and not getting all offended (yeah right),
Mrs-Roboto and Monkeyface
P.S. And we beg of you, avoid the urge to purchase Portrait Creation Cards. Friends don't let friends mail that kind of crap out.
10:09 a.m. - 2002-09-18
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