mrs-roboto's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Martha Stewart I Am Not Martha Stewart I Am Not... And that's a pretty good thing considering she may be indicted for insider trading but unfortunate when you consider the house Pete and I bought back in December. What I have discovered in the six or so months that we have occupied this dwelling is that someone put a curse on the house so that everything in this house would either break as soon as we moved in or just be so unforgivably hideous that it would need to be replaced immediately. I know, I know....how on earth was it it that I was passionately in love with this place a few months ago and now feel nothing but anger and resentment? Well, that's how it goes with me. It's either the "best ever" or the "worst ever" and today it's the worst ever. Our house was built in 1907 and I am fairly certain that the last updates were made in 1908. Our real estate agent described the place as "charming" and "homey" but more accurately it is "desperately in need of a remodel." Unfortunately, sales people don't say "Hey, this place really sucks but so does the amount of cash you have to spend so you should get this place and stop wasting my time" and the first time I saw the house I was all starry-eyed anyway. It was the "best ever." We bid on the house within five minutes of seeing it. The house was like some really hot guy you see standing across the bar and desperately want to bag before someone else takes him home. You do you most catwalk-like stroll over to him and bat your lashes and then he acknowledges your presence by initiating a conversation about his high school football career and his injured knee and how good looking he is and how he and his frat brothers once had a kegger that lasted seven days and six nights. After five minutes you tell him you'll be right back, retreat to the restroom,climb out the window and run as fast as you can all the while praying to never see this individual again. Sometimes I want to climb out a window and run away from my home. What has brought on these feelings you ask? Well, last weekend I finally got fed up with the kitchen area. I had never been fond of this room but as the summer sun cast a new light on the counters and cabinets it became unbearable. Let me describe the craftsmanship of my kitchen. The cabinets were handmade and I assume the "designer" was both blind and mentally challenged. He constructed them out of plywood and didn't bother to measure any of the boards or make one cabinet similar in size to the next. Everything is distorted. If you stand at a distance the unit looks like a M.C. Escher print. There is a drawer that is simply a facade. That's right, the guy who built this monster ran out of wood and just started nailing on drawfronts with nothing but empty space behind. Nice, huh? Next are the countertops which are covered with linoleum and not just any linoleum but the type you found in classrooms across the country throughout the 70's and 80's. And that linoleum serves as a backsplash too. It's ever so pretty. So Saturday morning as I sipped coffee, I decided I'd had enough. This all had to go now and with an urgency I normally only exhibit when I really have to pee but there is no bathroom to be found, I hopped in the car and headed to Home Despot. After an hour of looking around and pricing cabinets I came to a realization - I have caviar tastes and a tuna fish budget. Cabinets units cost an arm and a leg and they really aren't even what I want. They are clunky and ugly and foe-woody and I wasn't going to replace the crap I have now with some other crap I didn't care for. Thus I made the executive decision to keep what we have and repaint it. Also the linoleum would be removed and Formica installed. A temporary and cheap fix till Pete and I become wildly famous and filthy rich and can live like the rock stars we really are. This sounds simple, right? Think again, Mrs-Roboto. I was able to select paint easily enough. I found a brilliant key lime green which would go with the newly revised 1950's theme I had hashed out in my head. Then I purchased white laminate and glue. No sweat there. Then I got in the truck and headed home with all my home improvement supplies and a gallon of ambition. Well, it is now day 5 of operation "Make this Kitchen Look Less Heinous" and team Mrs-Roboto is losing steam. There is not just a single layer of linoleum on these countertops but two layers! Have you ever removed 40 year old linoleum from plywood? It isn't easy and the adhesive is like cement. Somehow I think the project I had planned to finish last Sunday might not be done for another couple of weeks and even then I doubt that I will be satisfied with the outcome. Oh well, I am hoping if I make some curtains out of this material and get a shiny 1950's toaster and an avocado colored fondue pot to use a a flower pot it will all come together or we can always sell the sonofabitch and move to a condo. Wish me luck either way.10:25 a.m. - 2002-06-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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