mrs-roboto's Diaryland Diary
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Electrobisizing My Way To Me
Electrobisizing My Way To A Better Me
As I have mentioned before, I have decided (been forced) to be frugal this summer. In fact, I have instituted a strict policy of downright cheapness which both Pete and myself have to abide by. But frugality doesn't have to mean evenings of sitting around at home silently staring at the walls. I am lucky enough to live in a big city where there are numerous activities that are open to the public at no cost. There are fairs, music venues, and festivals one can attend for free. I seek out these activities. I scan the papers for statements like "Open to the General Public," "No Admission or Door Fee," and "No Drink Minimums." I clip coupons for two for one dinners and become a "trial" member of different health clubs with no intention of ever becoming a "real" member. So when I got a flyer in the mail last week inviting me to "Firm up Fast with European Exercise Simulation Technology - First Visit Free," I was all over the offer.
Now, I'm not the only person I know who likes free stuff. My friend Lauren is a big fan of the free stuff too and since I desperately wanted someone to share this new experience with, Lauren agreed to come along. We were both curious about what this "No Sweat Workout for Busy Women Could Be" so we went to the website listed in the flyer to learn more. The graphic you see above appeared as well as your typical site menu. I selected the "About Bailine" button and found out the following information:
- Bailine is an organization that successfully promotes the concept of improving women�s health, beauty and self-image (sounds good so far).
- There are now hundreds of Bailine Figure Shops in Scandinavia (ummm, okay, Scandinavian's seem healthy enough).
- The Bailine system is a complete evaluation-and-treatment program specific to each client, with carefully selected physical exercises and information about effective dieting plus psychological methods combined with the use of computerized exercise simulators (psychological methods and exercise simulators???!!! I'm not sure which scares me more).
That's
about all the information I am able to derive from the website, well that and
the fact that my first visit is FREE and will include a computerized
body composition analysis (also FREE) and
that's all it takes to get me to signing both myself and Lauren up. So Monday
night after work we headed out to Bailine to learn more about "the best-kept
secret of Europe's busy fashion models." Let me begin by saying the center
is located in a basement office of a sub-par office complex which is undergoing
renovation. I have a hard time imagining that any busy fashion model
would be flying into Seattle to undergo
an "exercise" session at
this subterranean dwelling. Guess they must use the facilities in Norway and Sweden. We were greeted at the door not by this woman,
who appears on their flyer, but by a rubinesque, Hispanic girl in her early twenties with long, acrylic nails and pink frosted lipstick named Yvette. She was nice enough but wasn't exactly the picture of health nor was she particularly professional. She had us fill out a survey which asked why we were here and gave us several options. "It was free" was not listed as an option but I swear there was one that read "the thought of physically activity makes me ill."
After filling out our surveys we were lead to a room with three beds and partitioned curtains and told to remove all clothing except for our bras and underwear. Now I had brought along workout clothes (biker shorts, a t-shirt, and running shoes) but I really hadn't planned on anyone seeing my underwear. I was doing the thong thing and frankly I wasn't comfortable with Yvette looking at my butt so I put on the shorts but when she came in she told me to remove them. I explained the situation but she said "Girl, my ass is way bigger than yours and I saw it all before so no need to be shy." And so I removed the shorts. I called over to Lauren who was being weighed in measured in the next partition "It looks like we won't be using our gym clothes today." Then Lauren gasped. "What's going on over there," I asked. "They just brought a big bucket of water in like they do with the electric chair," she said. "What are you talking about," I asked and then I looked around me. There was a machine above the bed with dozens of wires, flashing buttons, and electrode patches. Now I started to panic. What will they being doing to us?
Yvette told us to calm down. The water was some sort of a cleanser/pad warmer so the "electrode thingees" (her terminology not mine) wouldn't be cold on our skin and that they would not be electrifying us. Then she told me to get up on the bed and get ready for a "two hour workout that'll only take 27 minutes." She strapped me up with various Velcro strips and stuck electrodes on my glutes, abs, thighs, and shoulders. She then handed me a remote control and left the room. Within second the pads started shocking me. When Lauren asked if this was supposed to shock, Yvette said they describe it as "a tapping." I suppose you could describe it as "tapping" much in the same way it "taps" when you stick your finger in an electrical socket. Frankly, it was painful and uncomfortable and if you didn't stop the intensity with your remote control you'd cry out from the sensation. The pamphlet said I could lose inches while I slept but I could never sleep through this. This was in fact the most irritating 27 minutes of my life and to make matter worse just as I started to relax the loudest alarm ever went off. I thought perhaps I was slipping away and it was time to "get the paddles" but in fact that was Bailines gentle way of letting me know I was finished "working out." Yvette came back and told Lauren and I we had just completed two hours of weight lifting at a gym and how did we feel? Ridiculous.
The last part of our service was the free Computerized Composition Analysis. Yvette explained that she had fed all my dimension into the computer and how in just 8 more sessions I could be the best me I could possibly be. The computer suggested I lose about nine pounds and an inch here or there. It also said that both my knees and calves were to small and that I should gain an inch on those problem areas. She gave both Lauren and I what was supposed to look like medical composition drawing of our bodies with "goal points." I promise to scan this later and attach it to the entry. It's hilarious, trust me. Then Yvette gave Lauren and I the rates:
- Five Sessions = $200.00
- Ten Sessions = $375.00
- Twenty Session = $550.00
and the real bargain:
- Forty Sessions = $849.00
Needless to say, neither Lauren and I will be signing up anytime soon but I will tell you that all the beds were full last night and not just with "Freebies" like ourselves. If anyone has allot of money they want to give me to start a franchise just e-mail me. I think we have a few months before someone slaps this place with a lawsuit so lets get to feeding on women's insecurities and poor body image.
2:25 p.m. - 2002-06-11
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