mrs-roboto's Diaryland Diary

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Up To Speed

I went to Vancouver two weekends ago. Spent time shopping at the Punjabi Market, walked around Chinatown, went to Lush, and was frightened while strolling on Robson after spotting this:

Someone please tell me these designers weren't serious! A gold lamay fanny pack as a fashion accessory? Ewe ewe ewe. Next thing you know we are going to be bringing back those awful mesh half shirts for men. I hate the 80's.

We took a nice hike this weekend. Drove out over the pass to Rachel Lake. There was snow on the ground but the temps felt warm. I love the way this waterfall looks.

The hike took us nearly six hours and coming down was rough. We had to be extra careful not to slip on the iced over trail.

This is the ascent. You can tell because I am still smiling. I haven't fallen flat on my ass three times yet nor are my feet soaked. Note to self: time to spring for some waterproof boots.

In other news, my grandmother is in the final stages of her life. She is no longer cognizant, she does not respond to "mom" or "grandma." We are looking at just days.

My family had planned to bring her home to die but it doesn't look like we will have that long and since she is unaware of her surroundings it seems okay to keep her hospitalized. It would probably be more traumatic to move her.

Several good things:

  1. She is in no pain.
  2. Last week she was visited by my grandfather who told her "that she could come now, that there was room."
  3. My mother and aunt had gone to my grandmother's house the other day to arrange some things and on my grandmother's dresser were several pictures from various occasions. My grandmother had obviously selected them specifically for her poster board which they display at the funeral home. This gives me hope that she made peace with the inevitable.

Some rather craptacular things:

  1. I adore my grandmother and feel as if my heart is being forcibly removed from my chest. She is my last living grandparent and more than that, the one I connected with the most.
  2. I can now safely say I have seen my grandmother for the last time. I knew after my last visit that there was a chance we would never talk face to face again but the hard reality of that is very upsetting. She has essentially left her body and now it is just a matter of her systems shutting down. The DNR is signed, there will be no feeding tubes, and no more treatments.
  3. Do you remember when I told you about that dream? The one with my grandfather? I knew then, even before she was diagnosed. I've had a good deal of time to make peace with it and yet I haven't. Not even close.
  4. I'm a million miles away but I would gladly be there if there was a damn thing I could do to help. There's not, there's nothing I can do. Do you know how much that sucks?

So I wait. I wait for news, I wait for a call that I hope never comes but at the same time pray comes quickly because the idea of her suffering kills me. I keep busy. I work twice as hard at my job. I exercise, I make plans for the future. I cook, I get massages, and soak in hot tubs. I do whatever I can to feel less like a nervous wreck. And all this sucks so bad I could scream. Sometimes I do.

7:49 p.m. - 2003-11-10

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