mrs-roboto's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The World Is A Pretty Unfair Place Someone noticed I wasn't writing. Truth is, things aren't looking very good with my grandmother. She was hospitalized this morning. Apparently, the masses in her brain are causing pressure which in turn cause everything from bouts of confusion to seizures. For some time now she had been experiencing a loss of hearing but that loss has accelerated in the last few weeks and she is now basically deaf. When your sole means of communication with a person are limited to the phone, and that person can suddenly no longer hear you, things become difficult. Those days where I just want to call and tell her that I love her, well I can't. She can't hear me. I want to write an entry that explains the warm feeling of dozens of Thanksgivings gathered around my grandmothers table. I'd like to write about the day to day stuff. I'd like to tell you about the time my parents took me to Mexico and I got sick and I begged and begged to be taken home to my grandmother because surely she would know how to make me better. But I'm still very raw. I'm not ready for listing details. Have you ever had a time in your life when everything is going along swimmingly but then there's a little black cloud hanging over it all? Am I describing this right? A fine example would be the months following September 11th. You see, I knew that there were thousands of people in the world mourning the death of loved ones and I knew things would never be the same in the world. At the same time, things couldn't have been lining up better for me. My marriage was (and still is) everything I'd hoped for, Peter and I found a wonderful house we could afford, I finally got to have the dog I'd been wanting for the last few years, my job was going well, and I had plenty of wonderful friends all around me. Yet every time I allowed myself to feel all the good that had come my way, I felt guilty and horrible and undeserving. I feel sort of like that now. There are bright spots on my horizon but I don't want to focus on them, to appear thoughtless. Whenever something awful is presented to me, I feel as if I need to feel the full weight of it and that if I don't I'm a self absorbed little snot. I went on a crying jag the other day based solely on these principles. My neighbors had their baby and I went to visit. The neighbors I speak of are the kind of people you hope have children. They are educated, socially responsibly, loving, and healthy. They took all the birthing classes and obtained a midwife and selected a top notch medical facility. They did everything right. So as I sat there holding their baby, cooing at her and touching each of her tiny toes, I was surprised to hear that she had Down Syndrome. Her mother told me in a delicate way, it was obvious I didn't know. I think I said the right things, I talked of how beautiful she was. I then went home and balled. For days I felt horribly for them because I hate the fact that you can do everything perfectly and still not have a positive outcome. Right now the world seems like a pretty unfair place. 7:50 p.m. - 2003-11-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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