mrs-roboto's Diaryland Diary

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Truth in Advertising

Stupid marketing ploys get my goat.

It all started with Captain Crunch. To be honest, I never eat cereal anymore but there was a time when I lived in the dorms, oh so many years ago, when all I ate was Captain Crunch and apples. The cafeteria at the university I attended left much to be desired and I was required to eat each and every meal there. I think I must be the only person in history to lose fifteen pounds in my freshman year. I just couldn't stomach the frozen pizza, pasta coated in canned sauce, and nasty, grade "D" beef they served. After about a week of attempting to consume this crap, I gave up and stuck to the few items that were not altered by the cafeteria staff. This left the "Always Open" cereal bar and the readily available fruit bowl. Please note, I do not drink milk and at the time I had an aversion to bananas, oranges, and grapefruits, thus each meal consisted of an apple and a dry bowl of Captain Crunch. Top that all off with ten cups of bitter coffee and a pack of generic cigarettes. Ah, to be eighteen and the picture of health again.

So yes, I liked me some processed, sugared cereal. Captain Crunch held a particular place in my heart because of its appearance. I loved the unnaturally yellow treasure chests and the nautical theme played into that whole Love Boat fantasy I had going on. And let's be honest here, despite having NO nutritional value, that junk tastes goooood. Every day, for lunch and dinner I ate a bowl of the stuff and the aforementioned apple. Breakfast occurred long before an eighteen year old 'Lil Miss ever stirred. A gal has gotta get her beauty sleep, you know.

One day when I arrived for lunch, I noticed colored dots crowded in among the golden squares. I called my roommate over and began to rant. "What has the cafeteria staff done now?!! They're adding stuff to my cereal! It's the only thing I can eat in this godforsaken hellhole." She looked at me as if I were a total feeb. "Hello? Those are Crunchberries. There just like sugary fruit and the cereal company puts them there so it's healthier. Where did you grow up anyway?" Now, what the hell do berries have to do with a salty old pirate like the Captain? You can't even get berries when you're at sea. It's all dried cod and rehydrated mush. But what was I to do? I would starve if I didn't eat this stuff. Starve I tell you! So I gave in and ate Captain Crunch with Crunchberries and began plotting to leave this institution as soon as possible.

The following Fall, I ran off to Boston, got a job, and rented an apartment where I could prepare things to eat that I enjoyed like Top Ramen and Jiffy Muffins (okay, I didn't enjoy it but I could afford it - 8 for a dollar). The days of cereal and apples were no more. It would be at least five years before I even thought about cereal again (cereal is expensive when you have to buy it yourself).

These days, Pete enjoys the occasional bowl so we often peruse the aisle at our local grocer. One day while waiting for him to pick out a box, I saw a new Captain Crunch brand - "Opps! All Berries." That's right, no treasure chests at all just sugary fruit shapes. Once again, I bring up the nautical theme and wonder how this fits in but even more disturbing than that is this idea that there was a mistake at the cereal packing factory that resulted in just berries. Now give me a break Quaker Oats! Do I look like I was born yesterday? You and I both know that there was excess of berries and this how you deal with it. Or perhaps you just surveyed a group of kids and found out they liked bright colors and so all berries was born. Whatever. I don't care. Just do me a favor, don't pull that cutesy stuff about this being an accident. Look at all the crap ass packaging and promotion you've done. That's no accident. That's clearly deliberate. It makes me sick. I immediately boycotted Captain Crunch and I encourage all my friends to do the same.

Then yesterday I had another run in with this sick phenomenon. Has anyone else seen the "Uh-Oh! OREO?" It's a vanilla cookie and chocolate center because apparently the machines got all mixed up and started spitting out everything in reverse. You know what I say to this? Lies!!! Complete and total fallacies being told to us by Nabisco. That's not even possible. Machines don't just reverse what they're doing. They're machines! They're controlled by humans. If they had minds of their own, we'd call them people or peoploids. And so what that I never eat Oreos? I still don't want to be deceived. I don't think it's cute to lie to consumers and I don't understand why large corporations do either.

Damn you Corporate America! Damn you!

Umm, it appears I'm a little high strung these days. I just reread this and yet I'm posting it anyway. Fact is, this does bother me but not that much. Mostly, I just think it's stupid. I'll try writing again in a few days when I'm a bit more mellow.

7:00 p.m. - 2003-08-28

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