mrs-roboto's Diaryland Diary

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When I Was Young We Didn't Have This Thing Called The Internet

About a billion years ago, after I had just finished at university, I returned to my hometown of New York. From the get-go, I knew I did not want to stay long term. NYC and I have a long and complicated relationship whereby I feel drawn to her because of history but constantly stressed out by how she operates. Every time I think we're really making a connection, she changes the rules and pulls away from me. There's a lot to it so I'll save it for another time. The point I was getting at is that I was just stopping over, resting while I figured out my next move.

What do you do when you're in limbo? Well, I needed to make some cash. The rent and student loans weren't going to pay themselves (as I sadly found out after my first call from my personal loan officer, thanks Sallie May!). At the same time, I didn't want a job that I'd get all entrenched in and then have issues walking away from. I tend to have stupid loyalties to employers even when I know I shouldn't. Many a time I felt bad "abandoning" a boss even when I was getting paid like $4.25 an hour. It's funny, I feel responsible for the welfare of businesses that aren't even mine and then I can't quit because I fear that the place won't survive without me or that my boss will have a nervous breakdown if I leave. I am sure there is some psychological reason for this behavior that dates back to religious instruction or familial relations but I prefer not to think about it.

So, after some thought, I joined up with a temp. agency and they began pimping me out to various companies about town as a receptionist. This worked well. My assignments were mostly short term and I did my best not to appear too smart or dedicated so that no one tried to hire me on. This was harder than it may sound. My temping career took place back in the heyday of plentiful employment when people were just throwing jobs at you everywhere you looked. I often deliberately lost calls and conveniently forgot to make coffee just so that no job offers would come my way. I also did my best to appear lazy and unmotivated. When asked to fax something I would explain that I was being paid at a receptionist level and if I began faxing then we'd have to call the agency and switch to an administrative salary. This usually put the kibosh on any plans they might have for me to join their team but unfortunately it also made for very long and boring days.

My temping career took place before internet hook up was a universal right for all workers. My daily diversions consisted of solitaire and reading books at my desk. Have you ever played electronic games for eight consecutive hours and not been completely stoned? It's much duller when you're sober. So one day I began poking around on my desktop, looking at files for this or that. It was mostly work related stuff, Excel spreadsheets and the like. Nothing too thrilling but then I came across something unusual, a file labeled "Bathroom Log."

I opened this document and found that the former receptionist had kept a record of who visited the bathroom and when. You see the bathroom for this particular office sat just across from the reception desk and you could hear (ick!) everything that went on in there. This record spanned over a year and had notes on who did what and when. It also had comments like "Lisa never washes her hands" and "Matt brings the newspaper into the restroom with him and then brings it out and leaves it for other to read - gross!" These were good things to know (I avoided shaking Lisa's hand and reading the paper) but then things got a little weird. There was a document entitled Female Menstrual Cycles at Cybercorp, Inc. I won't even begin to consider how she determined who was getting their periods. The former receptionist also started making predictions as time wore on about her fellow employees' regularity. "7/19/96 - Sal has pizza for lunch, extra cheese, will not have bowel movement for three days." "7/21/96 - Sal has bowel movement - I'm off by one day." "8/1/96 - Madeline has curry for lunch - will spend from 3:30 PM on in restroom - just as I suspected Madeline is still in restroom - it is now 4:00 PM."

I read through the whole sick and demented thing and wondered what would drive a person to document such activities. I mean, it was definitely sick. And then I gave it some more thought and realized I was just as warped for reading this document (well maybe not quite as warped but close). You know what drives someone to log the bowel movements of their coworkers? Eight hours of playing Hearts, that's what. God/Goddess bless the internet - it does make desk jobs a whole lot more interesting!

12:52 p.m. - 2003-07-25

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